Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting