Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
dads on road-trips be like
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Yes, this is exactly right
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene