13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
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Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook