13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
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How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs