14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Name this drama.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”