14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
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I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.