14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying