@HuffPostComedy: 14 Valentine's Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
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@JohnHilsen: OK it's like sure, I've MURDERED before. Big deal. Sue me. It's not like I'm a MURDERER or anything. I only do it socially.
@DaHess1: My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can't decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.
@DirtMcTurd: I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
@GrantTanaka: Mom: I HEARD UR SICK Me: just a cold Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA M: no I- Mom: OH GOD IT'S ZIKA M: mom- Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT M: wait, what