@HuffPostComedy: 14 Valentine's Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
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@briangaar: Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I'm orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.
@Meh_Tweetz: bought 30 treadmills & placed them around the perimeter of house, when zombies attack my house they will just keep walking for days
@living_marble: Technically, it's only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
@CulturedRuffian: I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.