Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
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[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are