Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
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this is the best interaction on twitter
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
It do be feeling this way.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.