Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.