GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
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My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.