1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
You Might Also Like
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”