1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup