“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
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*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
adam and eve had first world problems
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’