[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
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Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps