The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
You Might Also Like
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
That lamp looks PISSED.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot