@KrunkedRobot: 15 out of 12 beers agree I can't do math when I'm drunk.
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@ericsshadow: [Starbucks intercom] "Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking."
@trevso_electric: If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
@topaz_kell: [taking a picture] Me: "Make love to the camera!" Grandma: "Don't make this weird, dear."