My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.