life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
You Might Also Like
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord