[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”