<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Anyone really
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.