[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?