[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
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[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No