16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us