16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Please do it!
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch: