17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
You Might Also Like
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
man i love columbo
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Sooo many times…..
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.