[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
You Might Also Like
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.