[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG