18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.