[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
How actors in movies eat their food
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do