18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
When someone says you are so lazy
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.