Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Quadruple digit IQ