19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
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I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder