1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
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I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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