The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
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7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.