Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.