[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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Brother?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…