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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*