Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
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Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My hips? Compulsive liars.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.