1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I can’t stop laughing at this
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
*pronounces patio like ratio
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree