1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Not all heroes wear capes….
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore