He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
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Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION