[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee