[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
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[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Me when someone tries to get to know me
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.