[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
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driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The first matador
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.