[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
You Might Also Like
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
THIS HEADLINE
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
True?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake