[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
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*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.