[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
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Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
remember
only for emergencies
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.