[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
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PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Growing out my freckles.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.