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*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Why is this me 😫
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
this makes me so uncomfortable
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot