[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
You Might Also Like
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
ã…¤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch