[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
mentally somewhere in italy
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel